Wednesday, November 20, 2013

What I Wouldn't Give

I saw this poem on this blog today and it really resonated with my sad heart.

What I Wouldn't Give

What I wouldn't give for one more day,
just to have you stay.

What I wouldn't give to see your face,
to see all that amazing grace.

What I wouldn't give for one more touch,
to let you know I love you that much.

What I wouldn't give for one more kiss,
to see what I truly do miss.

What I wouldn't give for just you.
If you could only know I love you too.

What I wouldn't give to fill my heart.
Oh God, why'd they tear us apart!

What I wouldn't give to stop your sisters' tears,
and give you peace for all your fears.

What I wouldn't give to let you know,
My love for you will always grow.

Yes, what I wouldn't give for just one more day,
For you to tell me you can always stay.

What I wouldn't give for you to be here?
Why everything I have my dear.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

An Important Update Part 2

OK here is somewhat of a timeline from my FB updates:

Day 1-I guess I didn't post anything but I thought I did.

Day 2:
Thank you everyone for the prayers and keep them coming. I took Z nearby to a friends relatives house to sleep. Thank God for amazing friends and strong prayers on the most horrible day of my life. Considering how bad things looked when it happened things could be in a much worse place right now. They will be monitoring all his issues in the icu all night. He is on a respirator (I think that's what it's called) but his lungs look better than they originally thought I think. He's opened his eyes several times and twice tried to reach up to his mouth. So positive signs for his brain. If all goes well tonight he might have surgery for the broken leg tomorrow. A is the sweetest boy you will ever meet, but he's a fighter who has been through a lot already in his life. Please know your prayers have meant more than I can describe today.

We are waiting for him to go into surgery for his leg sometime in next few hours. Very positive as he is considered more stable. Lungs look good, they think they are fine. Brain looks good. Everything looks really good compared to how things looked yesterday.

A is out of surgery and it went great. They are hoping to get him breathing on his own in the next hour. All other injuries look to not need any surgeries so things look great. As he comes off the anesthetic and hopefully is off breathing machine we can hopefully see where he is cognitively.

Tube is out he is doing well. They will be monitoring his breathing for next few hours.

Day 3:
A is doing amazing. Pray for comfort and peace for him, as he continues to wake every half hour and panic. It has gotten much more mild than it was but he is still very scared and confused. Pray for peace. And please pray for Matt and for him to have supernatural strength. He has barely left A's side through this whole ordeal and will be up all night with him at his bedside for when he wakes up and panics. Matt has been an amazing dad and husband through this but I know his body, heart, and mind are weary.

A continues to improve. His panicking has lessened during the night and he is off the morphine. He is mostly resting today while receiving more blood platelets. Please pray that his crit (not sure if that's right) levels don't drop anymore. Basically pray that his blood clots as needed and that he is not bleeding anywhere inside. They are hoping to dilate his eyes for a full exam later today. The best thing is that he spoke to Matt twice overnight! (He said it hurts and he needed to go to bathroom) Great sign.

He continues to improve. He will stay in the icu till they are comfortable that he has no bleeding into any of the fractures and that his lungs are working good, so pray that those things stay stable. His panicking continues to lessen although he is clearly still scared and confused every time he opens his eyes. The time in between when he needs the morphine (he is off the drip) continues to increase. He slept most of today which they say may continue given the concussion. So we are praying his body continues to heal while he rests and that he has peace and comfort in his mind and body. God has been so good to this sweet boy and the doctors and nurses are super happy with how he has progressed.

Day 4:
A had another good day. He continues to improve. He is still in ICU but they did get him sitting up (with support) today. Most of the time he is sleeping when the drs come by for his tests so hopefully tomorrow they can get him cleared for some of their concerns. Still watching his breathing as it's still a bit fast. He was awake a lot of today but he was not communicative at all. Please pray for his mental state as he has mostly withdrawn into himself and has not communicated at all.

Day 6:
Yesterday S and 2.0 had to go back to U. This is the 5th such goodbye for S and 4th for 2.0. My heart is so tired of saying goodbye to these boys. It was a rough past five days for all of my children. and once again we are a family that is not whole.

A is doing great. He is still very scared and confused but he has been cleared to move from icu. We may not get to move till tomorrow since we are waiting on a bed to open up. He tried to say a few things to his papa and me yesterday and today is having great success being verbal. We are able to understand him mostly and he is able to say very short sentences and words. He is also eating so really is truly on path to recovery.

Late day 6:Our little trooper is officially out of the ICU. He is totally on the mend. He is speaking short words today although only to me and Matt and my mom. (Mostly me) Waiting to hear from a dr for how long he is going to be here. Had some rough spots this afternoon but now is settled in and requested sitting up (big) and sitting in his wagon. We also got a short giggle and a smile out of him tonight. He is a bit upset that S and 2.0 are not here though. He wants all 7 of us together, I think that gives him comfort. Your prayers have been AMAZING and I truly think made the difference for his amazing and fast recovery.

Day 7:
I didn't post about this for some reason, I guess because it was too long of a day. His sodium levels dropped to crazy low levels and he got moved back to the ICU at this point. He had horrible headaches and was somewhat delirious most of the day. I just laid down with him and sang his favorite song to him over and over most of the day, trying to distract him from his fear and pain.

Day 8:
We are still in the ICU but his sodium levels are almost where they want them. He is feeling much better today. Yesterday was a hard one! It's heart wrenching to see your child in such pain and confusion.  We have gotten several half smiles today though, so much much better. Hoping and praying that this doesn't delay us moving to Seattle Children's Hospital....I was hoping we would be there by Tuesday.

Day 10:
A is doing great. They just moved him from the ICU back down to acute pediatrics. We are hoping to be transferred to the children's hospital on Thursday or Friday. He continues to improve physically and emotionally. Thank you for the prayers. They have made all the difference!

Day 11: No updates on this day but I posted this picture of Z. :)
We were in a very tiny space sharing a room and were doing a lot of waiting and pulling A around the children/burn floor in this red wagon he was partial to. He was still taking sodium tablets and having his blood drawn to check it every 2-4 hours I believe.

Day 12:
We are at Seattle Children's now. Great news is that they are hoping for a shorter stay here than originally though (5 days or less even). He got his staples out of his head yesterday and the dressing off his leg. They are super impressed with his progress thus far. We are hoping for a very productive few days here so that we can finally go home!

Day I don't know-he did amazing at his rehab stay at Children's and was able to be discharged on the 26th. He started speech and occupational therapy the following week on an outpatient basis.

His injuries ended up being:
A broken leg
several skull fractures
pelvic fractures
a lower spine fracture
the deflated lung which reinflated in the hospital
some left side weakness
The traumatic brain injury
-from the brain injury-memory loss, the sodium levels going crazy, and an ongoing problem with his swallowing of liquids-which means we are giving him thickened liquids at home.
-Misc bruises and scratches

All in all he is a LUCKY little boy and we feel so blessed that he made it and he is expected to have a full recovery. After the flurry of drs appts once we arrived home, we are now down to twice a week (3 different outpatient therapies) 45 minutes away. Other than some upcoming follow ups of course. He is almost back to baseline in most areas, and we hope to have him out of the wheelchair by mid October. (Other than needing it for long distances).

Because of the accident- it has highlighted his need for speech therapy (I tried back in Jan but the school district said he didn't qualify remember) as well as me pushing through to get him tested for an neurological brain damage he might have sustained in utero. (The impulsiveness/short term memory issues/speech delays etc) Basically, I am pushing to have him tested for FAS/FAE-which I have asked multiple drs about since bringing him home last year and have been put off every time. Either way, no matter what, we love him. But it would be good to have a direction for parenting and teaching him. (I am homeschooling both boys this year-but that's a post for another day!)

An Important Update Part 1

So I know I still need to update the last 9 months as a new family-BUT I have an important update that I didn't put in our video. We actually have had a pretty traumatic last 2 months as a family. It's probably somewhat cathartic for me to type it all out, but bear with me if you are reading this, as it's super hard for me to have time to type anything these days, so this will be somewhat hurried.

In August-A few days before the boys (S and 2.0) were set to leave for the end of hosting to go back to UA-our son "A" chased a toy into the street and was struck by a car going at least 45 mph. We were at that moment inside doing our home study update for "S-2.0." We had actually just seen him and "S" run by the window and in the blink of an eye "S- 2.0" ran in to tell us in broken English that "A" had been hit by a car. Our social worker didn't immediately understand what he said but I did, and I screamed "WHAT?!" and ran out. I'm told that Matt followed a few seconds later.

We have a large fence around our new home and property (we had just moved literally the weekend prior to the accident-in order to give the boys and "Z" a larger home and space to roam) and the 2 gates that you drive through to come in to the acre and a quarter- were only open because we had opened them for our social worker to drive through.

I ran around 1 way to the street and saw "A" lying lifeless on the ground in the middle of the street. I lost it completely and ran screaming for Matt. In my crazy state, he was the only thing I could think of that could "save" this situation. I ran into the house to get him while at the same time he had been running around to the other gate to the street and had finally figured out that "A" was in the street in front of the car that was stopped in the middle of the street. (A Honda SUV)

I ran back out and our social worker handed me my daughter and I just fell to my knees out by the street praying and crying. A lady in one of the cars nearby came by and hugged me after asking if I was the mom. And another prayed with me. It seems strange in retrospect but I was terrified to see him up close again, I couldn't fathom seeing him like that, and I was literally afraid he was already dead. There was an off duty EMT that had run down the street after hearing of the accident and I heard her say "they need to hurry up and get here-we are losing him". I was losing it and all I could do was pray over and over.... "Please God no, please God no, please don't take him." Over and over and over. Then someone told me that they thought that he might respond to me talking to him (Matt was already with him) and I realized that he was semi conscious. This was such a relief because up to that point I really though that he was dead or almost so and I had no idea that he was even making any noises. I gave "Z" to our social worker and went over, and he was moaning and there was blood, but it was hard to see exactly what the extent of his injuries were. He was moaning softly but had his eyes closed and didn't respond to me or his papa. The ambulance arrived and they moved us out of the way, and soon they left to drive to the airfield to careflight him to the trauma hospital in Seattle, and Matt went with them and I stayed with the other kids. (Harborview) I was assured over and over that this was the best place he could go for possible brain injuries and trauma, but it didn't really sink in at the time. After they left the police officer asked some questions, then I went in the house to get my other kids taken care of and to wait to find out if Matt would be allowed to fly wtih "A" to Seattle. (there was some question of whether or not we would have to go pick him up from the airfield if he wasn't allowed to go).

We went in and started packing for the hospital and for the kids to stay overnight somewhere, and called my mom and closest friends to let them know what happened. My social worker was really amazing in the situation and it was good to have someone there that wasn't as emotionally connected, although it was very traumatizing for her too. I called Matt and he was waiting at the airfield for the helicopter. He sounded very stressed and worried.

We then fed the kids and just waited to hear from Matt. He finally called just as he had arrived in Seattle, so we knew he had made it on the flight and we could leave. He told me then that they thought he had:
"A broken leg, other fractures, brain injury, and a punctured lung" but that was only from the EMTs. They weren't sure what the brain injury was. After getting off the phone with him, I called my mom and told her to book her flight to Seattle and we left for the hospital. The hospital was over an hour and a half away, more with traffic, and we had to stop halfway to meet a family friend who took my boys to another friends house where they would be safe and comforted. I should say that all the boys were really great, (although upset) in particular "E" who is wonderful in a crisis and "S-2.0" once he got over his initial panic and blaming himself. (He was the one playing with "A")

It seemed like it took forever but we finally arrived at the hospital. (Me and my 9 month old and our social worker). Our social worker had graciously offered to drive me (as I was in no shape for it) and had left her car at our house and had her husband and teenage son drive all the way there to pick it up later that day. She stayed with my daughter in the waiting room while I went back to see "A". Another friend-Carried-was already there. Carrie was a great comfort as a former trauma nurse from that very hospital-she could tell us what was going on. It was super comforting having her there. "A" had one eye slightly cracked open and my husband had been talking to him the whole time, but was likely mostly unconscious. It's a blur but I remember we were waiting to hear back on all the tests. He looked so battered and bruised laying there, it's hard to even think about it now. We knew at that point he had a broken leg but I think we were waiting to hear about the test results for everything else. It's all a blur. We held his hand and talked to him, and then possibly an hour or half an hour after I arrived they moved him up to the ICU. I got "Z" from our social worker and thanked her and she left to go home. It's so much of a blur that I will try to go through my FB updates to write the rest of this post. I will do the rest in a second post.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

All I Have Time For

It seems that my life has changed to a place where I only have time to update stuff like social media in the wee hours of the night. I don't have time for more now but I have been working on this youtube video about our family for the past few days, so if anyone is reading this-----Enjoy! This gives some updates! :) I will work on a post soon!

Saturday, December 22, 2012


So after all of the back and forth-E has now said that he wants to go to school again.

My husband also really wants him to go-so he can be around other kids yes-but mainly because he wants some of the burden off of me. I am more than happy to have him home of course, and will really miss him though. :(

So we are playing it by ear and plan to have him start school on Jan 2nd (first day back after the holidays). We had him tested by the school and (no surprise to me since I have been working with him for over 2 months) he tested 2 grades lower than his age would put him in reading and math. So they agreed (easily) that one grade below would be the correct placement and I agreed. I thought all along that 2nd grade was going to be the correct grade for him if he entered school.

We will see how it goes though, and if we have any kind of negative behavior that we feels like comes from his peers, or his attachment suffers, or if we feel that he is getting too discouraged and beat down academically  then we will pull him out. We have literally been working from the ground up since he arrived home, so hopefully he is ready for this!

"A" is getting evaluated to see if he needs any special services on the first day that E will be in school coincidentally. I need to post about how things have gone progressed with him soon.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Decorating for Christmas

Another special first memory with the boys! Here we are decorating right after Thanksgiving. 

They are still fascinated by the tree and love to be the one to turn it on at night. The first two days they would just lay on the floor and stare up at it.